Learning to Fly Again: Literally and Figuratively

CW: Fear of flying

Now, I have never loved flying - but, after being quite frightened some years ago, I reached a state of tolerance, uneasiness, and a willingness to do it that allowed me to cultivate a life living roughly 4000 miles from my birthplace. After burnout, however, it was like my nervous system still had some residual hyper-activation, and an unfortunate bumpy flight further sealed the deal.

While I am (mostly) recovered from burnout, this still hangs around.

And so, it was back to therapy to bite this in the bud.

***

So many sensitive humans I know struggle with transit or all kinds. The crowds, heat, noise, scents, and movement can be overstimulating - even panic-attack inducing. And even humans who do not think of themselves as sensitive, too, find the ways we travel off-putting - with roughly 40% percent of people having some fear of flying. As a good friend of mine put it: "You mean you did NOT evolve to relax in a metal tube hurtling through the air miles upon mile above the Earth?" It's an example of where human biology and physiology don't match with the activity.

We live in an age of fast change and lots of things we were not evolved to do. Sitting at computers; leaning over smartphones; staring at screens. These sedentary, tech-infused lifestyles are much different than our hunter-gather forebears - and, indeed, are linked to many injuries and diseases we suffer from.

But, even in this age, we have the knowledge in our bodies, in our souls, to support us. In yoga or meditation, if that speaks to you, or when hiking in nature, on a run, or anytime we connect with our bodies - in whatever form - we are home again to that ancient knowing.

There's power in slowing down, stepping back, reducing tech, and going inward and into our bodies.

***

Slowly becoming a ritual for me is to go on a yearly yoga retreat with some special teachers that I trust and resonate deeply with me. Every time, I grow.

And this year, I entered different. I'd been through burnout. Got engaged to a wonderful man. Left a job and an academic career. And started my own business.

It can be hard to look back at this and be proud of myself. Self-compassion is an art we are never taught, and many of us will never learn. But we can try. And I am grateful for the people in my life who told me they were proud of me, when I really needed it and could not see it myself. And so, I will try - to be proud, of the year I have lived.

For now, despite everything, I am lighter. Even terrified, on a plane again for the first time since therapy to attend the retreat, I felt lighter than the dense and tense person who had boarded a plan last year.

Then, I had layers upon layers of performing, not being myself by trying to mold myself to others expectations, hide my true self and my heart's desire deep, deep down. To the point that I had trouble feeling it. It was through a heating practice, a combination of movement, breath technique, and mantra, that it was dramatically burned all away. Yogic heat, tapas, burning away all the layer we put in to survive the world. I realized I was so unhappy. I cried after the practice in the yoga shala. I realized boundaries were being crossed and I was living against my true self. Burned away layers of “toughness” and “people pleasing” and other protective layers people we sensitive hearts tend to layer on to be accepted and safe lay singed at my feet.

And, I committed then and there for a different life. To try to have hard conversations. To make my way. And, while I had beautiful support when I returned to start meeting my needs and advocating for a different life, my entire being sagged under the weight of nonstop bachelors-masters-PhD-postdoc and constant movement between countries. And I burned out.

Without this time at the retreat, however, no doubt I would still be in that life - and very unhappy and much sicker. Perhaps still chronically burned out, instead of waking up excited and free in this new life that I am creating for myself.

I will not claim that I have “found it all” - that I am living a life that is perfectly aligned with my values and with peace and love in the way I aspire to be. But I am on the journey, eyes open, feeling, being, burning, and releasing. Learning to fly, a bit like a baby albatross stumbling to grasp her massive wings, taking her first steps to fly after months on the ground.

***

This year, at the retreat, I had that experiences of inner knowing off the mat as much as on the mat.

And, in true me fashion, it was (partly) attached to a heron.

The first was, simply, learning to fly again. Getting on that plane. Even though I could not sleep the night before for fear of not being able to handle it. Recognizing what I could control, using breathwork and other strategies to get me on and get me through. And once we broke the clouds, I saw that divine world again of endless endless blue and white. And I knew. I knew I was part of something much bigger and serving some purpose in my own way.

The second occurred on a birding excursion. Leaving the peaceful yoga venue on warm-becoming-hot morning, I set off with a friend to seek a purple heron, a bird I was curious in seeing as a birdwatcher.

We did not see a purple heron - but, we saw a squacco heron, not at the nature spot we were driving to, but along the road, near a train station. From the car. A rarity, a gem near the modern, and my knowing told me it was true.

We also saw more kingfishers in one location and closer than I had ever seen before. Hiding in a bird hide so as to not as disturb them, we witnessed them diving in and out, fish in their mouths, calling, darting. The knowing told me this was auspicious - a reflection of the balance and different state I was in from last year. "Let the area of darting, feasting, playing - the era of the kingfisher - begin!" it said.

***

Yoga has helped me develop strength that is different than strength training and toning muscles - less dominating, less flashy, more internal. More flexible and adaptable yet strong. Nature has brought me home to something greater - our interconnectedness and the power of our actions, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant. We all matter and we all know.

Knowing guides me, from soul into my body and out into my wings on this journey - may it be literally through the skies, or through this experience we call life.

And, as I continue to spread my wings, having survived my fledging from the cozy nest I huddled safely in during burnout, I'm back. Shaky. A bit awkward, a bit uncertain. The skies still daunting, the turbulence alarming, the uncertainty disconcerting. But like every juvenile bird - I know what I must do.

I'm going to fly.

If you’d like support on your journey to knowing and soaring, I’d be honored to help. Book a complimentary call here to start identifying barriers to reconnecting with yourself.

Photo: Yet another heron! A young night heron near the Tagus Estuary in Lisbon, a bit discombobulated, a little uncertain of his feet and wings. Also learning to fly.